I’ve said it from the very beginning in season one of the Loving Ahead podcast, experiencing a breakup or divorce after being in a long-term toxic relationship – toxic being the keyword – versus that of a normal uncoupling AKA breakup from an emotionally mature and stable individual are two very different types of relationships.
The energy of experiencing a toxic relationship as you probably already know is chaotic, emotionally draining and crazy making. Once you’ve left such a relationship you've become the shadow of the woman you used to know. You look around at the aftermath of this destructive relationship and realize that you've completely lost yourself in that relationship and that the journey back to wholeness will be a challenging one.
Check out the full episode: Moving on After a Breakup
Moving on After a Breakup: The Path of Resistance...
Here’s where you come to the fork in the road on your recovery and healing journey. Do you take the path of doing the necessary inner work like a warrior until you have pieced back together your life or even better create an entirely NEW life from the ground up, which will require that you become active and engage your life from an entirely new perspective? Or, do you take the other path on the road that isn’t necessarily leading you to your ultimate goal of recovery and healing; rather it’s a foggy, winding road of consistent pitfalls, unforeseen blockages, doubt and confusion – the path of most resistance. This is what I mean by staying stuck in your breakup or divorce energy.
There’s a tarot card from the traditional Rider Waite Deck that captures the imagery and energy of what it means to stay stuck in breakup energy and that card is the 8 of swords. Visually, there’s a woman surrounded by 8 swords, she is blindfolded, but it’s not tied very tightly, she also appears to be bound across her body, but again the rope or cloth isn’t very tight, there is both water and earth beneath her feet which symbolizes her needing to trust her inner intuition to guide her in making the right decision for herself, but she appears too afraid to do so because there isn’t enough ground beneath her feet to support her, or so she thinks.
What We Can Learn From the 8 of Swords...
But more importantly there are 8 swords surrounding her, what are those all about? The symbolic meaning of swords in Tarot is all about our mental faculties or mental agility. It represents our thought patterns; how we think through problems or how we approach a problem; thus swords in the tarot can represent both our healthy thought patterns vs unhealthy patterns. Specifically, in the 8 of swords it is suggested that the woman is being tormented by her own thoughts or the situation that is facing her; however, if she could only tap into what her intuition is telling her about her circumstances, she has the power to release herself from the self-imposed bondages that are holding her back in life. According to the website Biddy Tarot, keywords associated to the 8 of swords are that of negative thoughts, self-imposed restriction, imprisonment of the mind and victim mentality.
Likewise, whenever I am doing an energy ready either for myself or a client and I receive this card it’s a clear indication to me that the client has more mindset work to do in a specific area of their life. Whether that be healing after a relationship, achieving a major goal in your professional or personal life or there are unresolved issues from your past that are holding you back from moving forward. Either way, it's not a great place to be in both energetically and mentally. As I stated at the beginning of the intro of this week’s topic if you are not taking consistent, strategic action to progress on your healing and recovery journey post breakup or divorce you will find yourself in the loop of victimhood and rumination. Progress that you should be making in your life will be stunted because you are still stuck or immersed the energy of your breakup or divorce. What do I mean by this? Well, the energy of a major, devastating breakup feels very much like the 6, descriptive keywords I mentioned just a few moments ago. Let's take a closer look at each of them below.
4 Symptoms of Being Stuck in Breakup or Divorce Energy
(1) Having consistent negative thoughts about the breakup or divorce will naturally consume other areas of your life, which leaves little room for you to think about anything else; such as, planning for your future.
(2) You are consistently stuck in the past reliving the trauma of being in that toxic relationship, which further contributes to you feeling, as mentioned before, restricted in your life. This self-imposed restriction is unconsciously placed there by you. Negative thoughts are like a deadly virus, it slowly infests various areas of your life until you become a bitter, toxic individual who unfortunately resents everything about your life, leaving you feeling empty and without the motivation to pick yourself up and do something about it.
(3) What about the dreaded energy of being in the consistent loop of victimhood? This is most definitely not a healthy place to be in for obvious reasons. Victimhood is a clear indicator that you have not worked through your trauma and that you are lacking basic coping skills when attempting to move through this breakup or divorce. It's a difficult place to be in especially if you don’t have a supportive community or close friends or family members to help you along on your healing journey.
(4) Lastly, the worst thing you can do to yourself is to self-isolate longer than needed, as it will keep you in the loop of constantly thinking about the past and all that went wrong, which in turn creates a snowball effect which will ultimately lead you to becoming a prisoner of your own negative thoughts - imprisonment of your own mind.
So, what’s the best way to begin the process of becoming unstuck and free of this toxic breakup or divorce energy?
There are 5 basic steps to consider when you are beginning to disentangle yourself from the grips of the past after experiencing a devastating breakup or divorce.
Step 1. Download my FREE Empower Your Emotions Workbook when you receive it you'll get two meditations to help you ground your energy before you start and end each day; see step five. This workbook walk you through how the detox stage of your recovery and healing journey after experiencing a toxic, emotionally destructive relationship.
Step 2. You need to put distance between yourself and your toxic ex-partner. Check out season two, episode 8 on why enforcing your no contact rule is important, then check out my 5-part, mini course on how to holistically integrate your no contact rule into your recovery and healing journey using 5 key Divine Feminine principles.
Step 3. Make the effort to find and join a community of women who have experienced being in a toxic relationship will be beneficial for you on your healing journey. However, ensure that this community or supportive group of friends and family members are not going to become your crutch as a result making you codependent on them; but rather a community of people who are going to empower you and motivate you to take responsibility for your own recovery and healing journey. And guess what… here’s an invite for you! My first community Coffee & Chat will be starting on November 26th @ 10:00 am in the private Loving Ahead Facebook Group! Also, check out season two, episode 9 where I make the official announcement and further details about where to sign up!
Step 4. As cliché as this may sound, knowledge is power! Get yourself into the library or get on Amazon and order yourself some books about toxic relationships and how to recover from them. I recently finished up my summer book review on Conversation About Trauma Resiliency and Healing. I highly recommend that you check out this 4-part series. I have each of my private clients read this book as they work through the 3-month program with me. I guarantee it’s a game changer.
Step 5. Lastly, self-care must become a regular daily routine for yourself. I’m not just talking about surface level self-care, such as getting your nails or hair done or treating yourself to a spa day. These are great pampering treatments indeed, but what daily meditations do you listen to keep yourself grounded and regulated when you are having a tough day at work, or the children are acting up and you need some alone time to yourself? I have an upcoming holiday episode where I will be diving deep into the essentials of holiday self- care, so be on the lookout for that episode in the next few weeks.
These are my 5-basic steps you can begin to implement and practice to help you get unstuck and moving out of the misery of being in the dreaded breakup or divorce energy that you might be experience at some point on your recovery and healing journey after experiencing a toxic relationship.
Make Your Healing Journey a Priority in 2023...
2023 is right around the corner. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am so on fire for all the amazing goodness 2023 has in store for me and I hope for you too. Each new year gives you a chance to hit the spiritual reset button and receive an automatic do over, why not make your recovery and healing journey a priority before 2023 is officially here, so you'll be leaps and bounds ahead of your recovery process! Why not take a moment to think of 3-things you can begin doing for yourself the 5-step list above that can help you get the ball moving in the right direction?
I hope you enjoyed this week's article and have gained some valuable information to help you move forward with confidence! As a Breakup and Wellness Coach, my work in this world is dedicated to supporting and helping women such as yourself to HEAL, RECLAIM and TRANSFORM your life after leaving a toxic relationship. Do reach out if you would like to discuss how I can support you on your journey of recovery, healing, and transformation.
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